Saturday, 23 May 2009

When it all goes "tits" up

So i have just finished talking to one of my single mummy friends on the phone, she's feeling a little down at the moment as she's had a serious of disastrous dates and is certain that she's destined to grow old and grey all alone and will never have sex ever again, which is ludicrous considering she is only twenty eight, slim, reasonably attractive and intelligent. Having tired of Internet dating, speed dating, general pulling on the piss she has now become increasingly desperate and has resorted to blind dating with rather unfortunate consequences.

Her friend who is a solicitor decided to play match maker and set her up with a colleague, whom although wasn't lacking in looks was suffering a serious deficit in the personality department. My friend complained he was obnoxious, shallow and rude to all the staff at the pretentious restaurant he insisted on taking her to, yet still she was upset at his apparent lack of interest (he hasn't called since and it's been 9 days). I was about to assure her she did not need some self important prick in her life and she could do so much better, when she regaled me with the tale of how the date ended.

Somewhat disappointed at how the blind date was unfolding she had decided the least she was going to get out of this was a decent snog, giving that he was still good looking and well a girl has needs. Things began to get amorous rather quickly and whilst he was busy suckling on her breasts, she suddenly said:

"careful you don't suck too hard"

"Why?" he asked looking puzzled

"oh I've not long stopped breast feeding and if you suck too hard you might get some milk."

Needless to say the moment was ruined, his disgusted face said it all and the heavy petting was brought to an abrupt end. He quickly bungled her into a taxi and that's the last she has seen of him, unsurprisingly. I have to say as much as i am mortified for her i am also thankful I'm out of the dating game. It was hard enough when i was baggage free and fat free, now with four kids and sagging boobs to contend with i think I'd rather poke pins in my eyes than put myself through the torture of dating again. My friend has resolved to give men a miss for now and put any further dates on hold, until she recovers from her trauma and i for one don't blame her one bit.

7 comments:

  1. soooo funny! obviously not for your friend but i've had that 'becareful when your sucking conversation' but only with the husband and your right i've got 4kids and a knackard body i coulodn't ever imagine dating again either! x x

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  2. OMG, that is too funny! Thanks for posting!

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  3. hehehe great post! it's every breastfeeding mummies nightmare!

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  4. Thanks girls for your comments and for following, it took me back to my breastfeeding days, only i didn't have to worry about sharing my assets with random men - don't worry though she's laughing about it now bless her :)

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  5. Jesus, thank goodness I'm married! Ha ha. If he hadn't have run a mile, frankly I'd have been worried about what other weird fetishes he might have......

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  6. this is a time when one really HAS to say OMG!!! But things have changed! From snog to suckling in but a sentence. Thank God I'm well passed all that. In so many ways.
    Thanks v much for visiting mine!

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  7. That is hysterical!! Makes me thankful I'm married -- I can't imagine dating.

    BTW, thanks for stopping by my blog!

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