A letter to my mother-in-law

Well it has been nearly eight whole months now since i have last seen your warm smile, Heard you belly laugh at the kids playing, sing silly old nursery songs that i had never heard to the girls, listened to you banter with E(Mr Bold)about him never getting round to finishing those chores he always promised to do, moaned at you to stop puffing on those awful ciggies that stunk your house out, and sat in comfortable silence with you watching all your favourite soaps. I ache to hear your voice, to hear you tell me everything will be OK, you were more than just a mother in law to me, you were my companion, my advisor and confidant, my chief babysitter and most of all my friend.

The girls miss their Nanny so so much, Fi still crys for you everyday and it breaks my heart to see her so lost and alone, you were her best friend too she adored you - they all did. The fact you passed away on Fir's 3rd birthday(and the day before the Twins 1st birthday) makes your death all the more harder to bare. We were on our way to the cinema to watch HSM 3 as a birthday treat for Fi, their first ever trip to the pics, when i decided to stop by to check on you. It was very odd that you hadn't answered the phone or called, given that it was the first night in almost three months you had stayed at your own house and not ours - i just assumed you wanted a night off, god knows you must have been exhausted sleeping with fi"the wriggler" every night and next door to the twins who constantly babbled the whole night long.

Seeing you through the glass i knew instantly that you had gone, yet i didn't want to believe it i frantically tried to get in the house but i couldn't . After what seemed an eternity the ambulance finally arrived, but it was no good my worst fears had been confirmed, i touched your hand and there was nothing there - you just looked like you were fast asleep - i take comfort from the fact you at least looked peaceful, but i am wracked with guilt that it happened on my watch and you were all alone. The rest is all a blur really, i remember grabbing your clothes, taking them with me to smell you and driving to your daughters to break the news, the kids were still in the car and i did my best to stay calm but they knew something terrible had happened. Finally speaking to E was the hardest part, he was stuck in Poland on my brothers stag do till that evening and i couldn't get through to him, he had lost his phone. My dad had to tell him, he was and still is a broken man, you were his whole world the only real family he had. It is a Hugh struggle everyday for him, for us, but you would be so proud of how he is dealing with his grief and trying to forge a future for us all - but without you to share it with, it's bittersweet.

On Saturday you would have turned 75 and it was such a hard day, the kids sang happy birthday to you and we released balloons in the sky and had birthday cake, we try to keep your memory alive by talking about you everyday. It's extremely difficult for E to know the twins will never remember their "Nanny June", you idolised them and they you, i think if it's possible you loved them even more than me and E,always patient and kind with them, nursing them for hours and never hearing a bad word said about them. Hearing them call my mum "Nanny" for the first time just weeks ago was painful, i had to wipe the tears away and look pleased for my mum who was rightly thrilled. Mi and Fi miss playing doctors with you and cuddling you, i miss your amazing cooking, cleaning tips and silly saying like he's "pees above sticks" that one lol, i still don't understand what that means, and E, well he just misses his Mum.

I just want you to know how extremely grateful i am to have had such an amazing woman, a role model in my life for the past nine years. Thank you for always being there, for never saying no - even when you should have, but most of all thank you for teaching me how to be a mum, for that i am eternally thankful. Yours are truly tough shoes to fill and i won't even attempt to, i couldn't, but just know i will try my best by your beloved son as trying as he is at times, and that you are in our hearts forever.