Have you ever seen the film with Gwyneth and that sexy Scots man, then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about, the moment in your life when you could have gone one way or another changing your destiny forever. Do you ever wonder if your on the right path?
I often feel like my life is just an interim and somewhere out there my 18 year old self is just waiting for me to come back and finally pick up where i left off. I can't seem to rationalise my reality with the imaginative one i had planned for my self all those moons ago (well seen as I'm only 26 not that many moons have elapsed but it sure feels like it). What if my younger self could see me now she would pity me for sure, probably swear to herself she would never end up like me, no she wanted to live her life completely, she was so certain of where she was going and what she was going to accomplish. So why do i now find myself married with 4 kids living a safe comfortable predictable existence? Children were definitely not on my agenda, but being so young i suppose that's a given, marriage well that never held any allure either given that my parents marriage was such a disaster (i should add they are still together, mainly due to the many compromises my mother made). Yet here i am, this is my life, and i am defined by being a wife and a mother of 4 and maybe that there in lies the problem. Its not my life I'm dissatisfied with just the definition of it. I am no longer that same tunnelled visioned 18 year old but i know how she and other people who are also of the same mind would perceive me. I do not want to be viewed that way, the way in which i see the world has changed it is no longer simply black and white, there are shades of grey emerging that i could not see before. Maybe I'm just judging myself through my old eyes not my new ones does that make any sense??
Maybe this was always how my life was supposed to turn out, karma, destiny whatever you call it or maybe i just took a wrong turn, i'm not sure anymore.