Monday, 29 June 2009

Sliding doors

Have you ever seen the film with Gwyneth and that sexy Scots man, then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about, the moment in your life when you could have gone one way or another changing your destiny forever. Do you ever wonder if your on the right path?

I often feel like my life is just an interim and somewhere out there my 18 year old self is just waiting for me to come back and finally pick up where i left off. I can't seem to rationalise my reality with the imaginative one i had planned for my self all those moons ago (well seen as I'm only 26 not that many moons have elapsed but it sure feels like it). What if my younger self could see me now she would pity me for sure, probably swear to herself she would never end up like me, no she wanted to live her life completely, she was so certain of where she was going and what she was going to accomplish. So why do i now find myself married with 4 kids living a safe comfortable predictable existence? Children were definitely not on my agenda, but being so young i suppose that's a given, marriage well that never held any allure either given that my parents marriage was such a disaster (i should add they are still together, mainly due to the many compromises my mother made). Yet here i am, this is my life, and i am defined by being a wife and a mother of 4 and maybe that there in lies the problem. Its not my life I'm dissatisfied with just the definition of it. I am no longer that same tunnelled visioned 18 year old but i know how she and other people who are also of the same mind would perceive me. I do not want to be viewed that way, the way in which i see the world has changed it is no longer simply black and white, there are shades of grey emerging that i could not see before. Maybe I'm just judging myself through my old eyes not my new ones does that make any sense??

Maybe this was always how my life was supposed to turn out, karma, destiny whatever you call it or maybe i just took a wrong turn, i'm not sure anymore.

9 comments:

  1. Do you know your actual Sliding doors moment - mine was on 27th July 2000. It's a shame you think you took a wrong turn. Maybe you need to change the angle you are looking at it from - next blog entry - "I spent 2 days standing on my head"?!!!!!!!!

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  2. LOL to Kelloggsville!

    I think you need to find some 'me time' - well some 'you time' ... you know what I mean. It's you who's defining yourself like that after all! :)

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  3. You never quite end up where you think you are going to - but then again George Michael is gay so that is probably a good thing (giving away my age somewhat).

    It sounds to me though that you need an activity that exclusively yours. That you do for you alone. Somewhat difficult to find the time with 4 children though.

    It's difficult though, you are not the only one who is frustrated by the life they are currently living compared to the one that they thought they would be when they are 18. The thing to remember is that the life you were living when you were 18 is not the life you imaged that you were now. Remember the angst? The insecurities?

    As that wise Mrs. OMG says - it is only you defining yourself in that way. I bet you can at least bake a decent chocolate cake ...

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  4. Looking after children is hard work, but the rewards out-weigh the effort. I'm sure we all think about woulda shoulda coulda from time to time.
    I agree with Mrs OMG, you need to find something for you x

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  5. I believe in fate so everything in my life has happened for a reason. Sorry not much help!!
    Try writing a list of what you did when you were 18 then a list of what you do now and compare. If there's stuff on the 18 list you wish you still did then maybe try and make time for it. Let us know how you're doing xxx

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  6. For sure we are in a different place than we were at before marriage and kids, but really, at the end of the day - could you really see your life without your children? You're blessed - this is what life is all about! Imagine you were 40, single, and desperately looking for love and to have children? And think how great it is that you're a young mom - you'll always great relationships with your kids! Don't think you took a wrong turn - you're on the right road for sure!

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  7. Hey guys the pity party is over, sorry if i depressed anyone with my self wallowing i was just having a down day. I would never be without my kids for a second just sometimes wish for a life a little less stressful but your right loukia i'm blessed. Kellogsville i am slightly dizzy thanks to your advice, must be all the blood rushing to my head :) x x

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  8. Gosh, I was a NIGHTMARE at 18. I thought I knew everything (I had no idea). I wasn't a bad person but I was definitely overwhelmed by the future and I can tell you that what thought I wanted then was so very off the mark.

    I think clareybabble has a great suggestion, perhaps find one thing that you really wanted when you were 18 and try and find a way of achieving it now. Good luck!

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  9. Hi. Thanks for visiting my blog! I will keep my fingers crossed for your anniversary ring!! I love Sliding Doors! I think of that movie all the time when I miss the subway train!

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